Sunday, October 30, 2011

Sucky keynote: a spoof

I was feeling pretty good about my lambaste of one of the worst all-time keynote addresses. But then I received this spoof of the speech from an unfortunate attendee, which puts my piece to shame:

The Institute for Self-Promotion and Gratification presents,

“Be All That You Can Be”


“I can’t believe the Army ripped that off of me, but I’m afraid to Challenge, because they have guns…and know the IRS”

Welcome, everyone, I’d just like you to know that I am very successful, and am almost definitely worth more than any of you in this room, but I try to be as humble as possible normally; just like Sting told me when we were backpacking together in Nepal, along with Brad, Angelina, and their kids. They love me.

First, nothing you can learn from comes from a cliché; they are useless, shallow, and usually completely irrelevant. At the end of the day, I believe you have to have your game face on, bring the right tools to the party, put your best foot forward, and shoot for the sky. Reach high, because every journey starts with a single step, but it’s not really the destination, but what kind of upgrade you’re going to get when you get there. I am usually upgraded because of my friends, the Rockefellers, the Hiltons, and the Lohans. Gosh, they’re fun to hang out with.

So anyway, remember, while you can’t be as successful as me, we are essentially the same person, only I’m better than you. We’re in the same business. Show business. And I’m the star of the show; and you little people are my stagehands; doing you little job too, is equally as important. Except that it’s not.

So take heed and solace in that I was once like you; only I got better. With the help of some really, really famous, rich people, I stumbled into the hallway of darkness, and tripped out into the backyard of pure actualization. As in, I actually meant to go out the to the front yard. And then I turned on the BBQ of prosperity, and applied the marinade of contentment all over Faith Hill’s body. That’s when I was asked to leave.

But I used up all of my credit cards I could get, and continued to keep providing the sandwiches of service, until I just knew that there was a light at the end of that tunnel, an answer to my prayers, a safe harbor for my ship in the storm, and another very successful booking with Neil Diamond, and many other virtually obsolete names from another time.

My friend Bill Gates once said to me, “Are you sure you want to exit this program”, and I said to him, “Billy, in this life, there is no exit, only a rest area, on this highway of life”. So I turned to Prince, and said that if the elevator does try to break you down, don’t go crazy, go to Nashville, and stay in my hotel. We have room. Mrs. Baters just checked out last week.

Thank you everyone…. please try to be all that you can be. But if you want to be truly, truly great, be as successful as me”.

God Bless Me; oh wait ,he already has……. Good night, everybody….

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